Rich White Guys Month

I wrote this for no particular reason, couple of years ago, long before the rise of the current rich white guy thingee.


Reasons for having a Rich White Guys Month

--Rich white guys are the only socioeconomic group that everyone feels entitled to abuse and slander, and this is best seen at the movies, where Americans get their idea of what life is about. Who gets his silk top hat knocked off by a snowball in Chaplin movies? A rich white guy. Did you ever once see a rich white guy throw a snowball at a bum? You have not. Does the rich white guy ever get the girl in the movies? No, the rich white guy is always stuffy, or crooked, and the poor but honest lad always wins the girl. Who remembers the rich white guy that Dustin Hoffman snatched Katherine Ross from in The Graduate? Didn’t he have feelings? But no one cares. How about those rich white guys acting bad on the Titanic? Do you think maybe a couple of paupers acted badly, too? Bet on it! But the only ones they show you are the rich white guys. And who’s the villain in every movie? A rich white guy, a corporate chief, a high government official, and the poor cop who lives in a crummy apartment and dresses in Sears suits, and drives a 1984 Plymouth takes him down.

--Everything bad that happens is blamed on rich white guys. Let one little supertanker go on the rocks and destroy a nature reserve, let one measly chemical plant blow up and kill six thousand people, let one tiny nuclear reactor go critical, and who’s on televison sweating under the lights and being treated like a criminal in public, guilty without a trial? Who? A rich white guy. You would think that once, just once, they would have the decency to haul out, say, an impoverished African-American woman to explain a cataclysm caused by corporate greed, but no, it’s always the rich white guy. Is this fair?

--People say, well, rich white guys own 80% of the wealth in America. So? You think that’s enough? You think rich white guys are willing to sell their self-respect for 80% of the wealth, and put up with all that abuse just for near-infinite material goods, power and influence? Rich white guys are not like that, and they resent snide assumptions that they are, just as much as destitute mothers resented stories about welfare Cadillacs.

--Rich white guys suffer from severe sexual problems. Why do you think they broke every law of God and man to become rich? While there are multi-billion dollar drug programs devoted to dealing with these problems—Viagra is just the start—a little thoughtfulness and consideration wouldn’t be amiss. Rich white guys are not whiners, so you hear very little about this, but it still hurts, and if you think $3000-a-night prostitutes of breathtaking beauty, skilled in every exotic love art, help very much, think again!

--Let’s face it, rich white guys rule the world, and just once we should pause in our daily tasks, just on one special month a year, and say, ‘Hey, thanks, guys, it’s a darn great world!’